Almost Paradise
by kingofthebirds-wren
Summary: There are three things about Steve Rogers you need to know 1) He hates people; like other than his best friends, his sister and his parents. Otherwise, people irk him to no end. 2) He loves art. Painting is his way of escaping from his otherwise shitty life. 3) He is head over heels in love with Bucky Barnes, his best friend.
1. Prologue

Prologue

**August 12th 1997, Age 5.**

Steve Rogers loved his mommy and daddy very much. They told him that he was going to be a big brother. He was so excited to get a little brother, he didn't want a sister because girls are icky, and he told his mother and father these exact words.

"Stevie, sweetie? There's someone we want you to meet..." Sarah Rogers said, before ushering in a scared little girl behind them with bright red hair and green eyes.

"But I wanted a brother?" The little boy said innocently.

"I know you did, kiddo. But they social workers told us that this little girl needed a home and she wanted a big brother named Steve..." Joseph said, trying his hardest to explain that they didn't have a say in the gender of a child they were adopting. Plus, Sarah had fallen in love with Natasha the first time she saw her.

"I'm a big brother named Steve." Steve said, eyes wide with hero worship of his father.

"That you are...Steve, meet Natasha: your new sister." Sarah said to her son, his father nudging him towards her." Natasha, this is Steve."

"I'm going to be your big brother, and I'm going to play dinosaurs with you and we are going to play dress up and I'm going to protect you from bullies..." He said in one breath without breathing once.

"Steve, sweetie breath. You've got asthma." Sarah said.

"I like Dinosaurs..." Natasha said quietly. These were the first words Sarah and

Joseph had heard her speak. Steve smiled a wide bright toothless grin as he walked over to his new sister and took her hand and they went to play dinosaurs together. A few minutes ago Steve didn't want a sister, but now he was happy that he had one.

* * *

**September 27th 2000, Age 8.**

When Natasha was 5, she was scared of being known as the adopted kid. She didn't want to be a freak, but she had a brother now who would protect her...even if she didn't know that Steve was tiny, as small as she was.

"Why are you such a little freak, Rogers?" Brock Rumlow said, pushing her brother down.

Brock Rumlow had personally taken it upon himself to make Steve's life a living hell. Steve had tried to stop Brock from picking on a new girl named Rebecca Barnes. Steve was always getting into fights like this and had trouble making friends. Some of his teachers, Mr. Zola in particular also had a vendetta against him and labeled him "trouble".

Now in Third Grade, Steve had been in more fights than he could remember, this was only the latest one: Steve punched Brock for threatening Rebecca Barnes' pigtails off because she wouldn't move from the basketball nets.

"Leave him alone Rumlow..." Natasha shrieked. Most people would know not to mess with Natasha, especially not when it came to her brother.

"You gonna get your sister to fight your battles for you?"

"The girl said leave him alone Brock...unless you want everyone to know that you cried like a little girl at Sleeping Beauty...Oh wait." a boy said. He had slicked back, black hair and more importantly he was the same size as Brock, as opposed to Steve, who was, at this point smaller than Natasha was.

"Screw you Barnes..."

"Pick on someone your own size next time, only a jerk like you would pick on someone who might not be able to fight back." The boy, Barnes, sneered at Rumlow. He then turned towards Steve and Natasha. "You okay punk?"

"I could do this all day." Steve mumbled.

"I'm Bucky."

"I'm Natasha, and the little guy is my brother, Steve."

"Are you guys twins?"

"No, my parents adopted me from Russia. How do you know Brock?"

"That's cool. I just moved here from Iowa. Our dads were roommates back in university or something like that. I never liked him and he hates Rebecca for some reason..."

"Wow." Steve said, clinging to every word the new kid spoke. He was so cool, and his shirt had a giant picture of Superman on it. Steve liked Captain America better, but not as much as he liked Dinosaurs.

"Yeah. So you like dinosaurs?"

"Yeah. I know they're silly and that boys my age shouldn't play with them but..."

"I like dinosaurs too."

"Really?"

"Yeah Stevie. I do..." Steve blushed a little bit. He'd never really had a friend other than Natasha and her best friend Clint (who was at home with Chicken Pox); let alone a nickname. "Can I play with you?"

"Okay!" Steve exclaimed as the two ran off leaving Natasha alone.

"Thank you for standing up to that meanie..." a little girl, Bucky recognized as his little sister. Rebecca Barnes had blue eyes and black hair, a lot like Bucky's hair was. Her eyes were filled with gratitude and hero worship at Steve; a look that Bucky only knew Becca to show for her big brother.

"You're the one who punched Rumlow for my sister?" Bucky said, gleaming with happiness that his new friend stood up to a bully for his sister even though Steve didn't know Becca.

"Yeah, so?"

"Steve, this is the start of a beautiful friendship..." Bucky started to say as Principal Hill came towards them on the playground.

"Mr. Rogers, a word in my office please." The principal said sternly. Maria Hill was not a woman to be trifled with.

* * *

"Mr. Rogers, you know that I like you: you're a good kid, no matter what certain teachers say. But you can't keep picking fights with other students..."

"But Miss Hill, Brock was being mean to another student and I stood up to him."

"Why didn't you come find a teacher and ask them to help..."

"M'sorry. Am I in trouble?"

"Only because you didn't come find me. Other than that, you did a good job Steve."

"Please don't call my parents."

"I'm not going to do that Steve: because you are going to call them and tell them exactly what you did." She said, handing him the phone which was already dialed to his parent's phone number.

* * *

To say that Steve Rogers was in trouble when he got home, was an understatement. His parents had tried, in vain many times, to get Steve to rein in his temper. He just hated bullies so much especially when people like Brock Rumlow would pick on someone smaller than him, like Becca Barnes. Not Steve, Steve could take care of him self.

"Stevie; please just try you're hardest to hold back your temper."

"But daddy…"

"Steve, promise me…"

"Fine." Steve huffed.

"So, tell me about this new friend of yours…Bucky, you said his name was?" Joseph Rogers asked his only son as he beamed a bright smile, the biggest one Joseph had seen on his son since Natasha Romanov became Natasha Romanov-Rogers. And he listened to his son ramble on with such pride about his new best friend that was so cool and liked dinosaurs

And since that day, Steve Rogers and James "Bucky" Barnes were joined at the hips. Steve liked him because now he had a best friend to call his own, rather than sharing Clint with Natasha. Bucky liked Steve because he was nice to his sister, who was very impatient.

* * *

**June 20****th**** 2006, Age 13.**

"Steve, lets go, the skate park is closing soon." Clint pouted as Bucky laughed at them arguing like his brother, Barney and his girlfriend did. It was like a weird married couple.

"I don't want to go…"

"Why not Stevie?"

"Because we always go, Bucky. I'm bored…Can we go somewhere else?" Steve said. He knew that there would be an inevitable talk about which girls they were in love with.

"Steve could always come shopping with me and Carol?" Natasha suggested, sporting an evil grin. Carol Danvers was Natasha's girl best friend and the two of them together were terrifying. Sometimes that really cool girl, Elektra Natchios joined them. Steve didn't know why they hung out though: Elektra and Natasha fought like cats and dogs one moment and then were gossiping and making fun of Yelena Belova the next.

Steve was still skinnier than Natasha on a good day. He hated his body, even though a few girls liked him (Peggy and Sharon Carter to name a few), but he didn't like how you could see his ribs and how short he was and how sick he was a lot of the time. Natasha told him this was all in his head and that any girl would be lucky to date him. But that was the thing, Steve didn't want to date any girls, and not just because he was shy. He had known since he had first met Bucky Barnes that he was gay and that he was also in love with his best friend.

Steve would definitely rather go shopping with Natasha. At least with his sister and her friend he wouldn't feel the need to talk about girls. But on the other hand he would never hear the end of Bucky and Clint laughing at him for rather going shopping than skateboarding.

"Let's go Buck." Steve said, faking disgust at Natasha's suggestion, even though he needed new art supply's for their trip to Clint's beach house in the Hamptons that Mr. and Mrs. Barton were taking the four of them (Bucky, Steve, Natasha and Clint) to for two weeks.

* * *

Steve was right when he thought that the three of them would inevitably talk about girls. Bucky and Clint both loved women and they practically flaunted their heterosexuality around like it was a billowing garment in a high fashion show during New York Fashion Week.

As they were walking towards the skate park they passed Peggy Carter and her cousin, Sharon: both of who waved at him and Steve gave a slight smile back. He turned his face to see Bucky with a stupid grin and Clint sporting a similar one.

"What?"

"Nothing…"

Clint, not wanting to be left out of his favourite topic of conversation; piped up as they arrived at the skate park.

"Dude, your sister's hot." Clint said. He had had a crush on Natasha since they were 8 years old. Whether or not Natasha knew about said crush was up for debate. Bucky and Clint were having fun on their skateboards while Steve was sketching something by a tree.

"Can we not, Clint?" Steve said, not looking up from his sketchpad.

"I can't help it, Steve. I'm in love with her…"

"You've never even kissed a girl."

"And you have, Rogers?"

"I mean…my mom?"

"That doesn't count."

"Then no, I haven't."

"You're both idiots." Bucky said. He was the only one who had actually kissed a girl before, Natasha and it was Truth or Dare, and it killed Steve that he had.

"Well, sorry we can't all be a ladies man, Barnes."

"Whatever. Steve, you sure you don't want to have a go?"

"I'm fine, Bucky."

"What are you always drawing?"

"I just like to draw, Clint."

"That sketchpad is always on your person though…what time is it? Also you should show us sometime, don't think I'll forget this Rogers..." Clint said as Steve wrinkled his nose at the idea. His sketchbook wasn't just a sketchbook; it was also a journal where he kept his deepest darkest secret.

"I don't know, like 5 past 6."

"Shit, I gotta go, archery lesson."

"Right, because if there is one thing guaranteed to get my sister to fall head over heels in love with you, it's the fact that you're an archer…"

"Fuck off, Rogers."

"You know you love me, Barton."

"As I said before: you're both idiots." Bucky said as the three friends left. Clint started out being Natasha's best friend and he still was. But he also eventually became close with Steve and by extension, Bucky and since Natasha was always off either hanging out with Clint or shopping with Carol and a few of her other girlfriends or practicing ballet, whenever Clint was without Natasha, he was with Bucky and Steve.

"I gotta jet, see you losers tomorrow." Clint said, before turning around and heading back to his place.

"Wanna go back to my place?" Bucky asked, turning towards Steve. They lived like three blocks from each other.

"Sure."

"We can play some video games or whatever?"

"Sounds good." Steve replied back. He had mastered how not to get nervous being alone with Bucky. They were going into high school next year, he had to get used to hiding how he felt. Especially because of how small he was.

* * *

The boys went into Bucky's room because Bucky's little sister tried to follow them, but they shut the door and locked it to tell the 12-year-old Becca that she wasn't welcome.

"So, tell the truth…"

"What are you talking about, Bucky?"

"I know you didn't want to talk about it with Barton around: mostly because he's a fucking idiot" Bucky started to say and Steve knew he wouldn't be able to wiggle himself out of this one "But I know you Steve…"

Steve felt panic settle in: how could he know? Steve had been so careful. Steve could barely look Bucky in the eyes; who was staring at him waiting for his best friend to answer him.

"Well?"

"Look what you don't understand…"

"It's Peggy Carter isn't it?"

"What?"

"The girl you like."

"Peggy's just a friend."

"There has to be someone: Gwen Stacey? No. What about Pepper Potts or Jane

Foster…no wait: Betty Ross…"

"Look Bucky as much as I appreciate this inquiry into my love life, or lack thereof, can you please let it go?" Steve said as Bucky looked at him like he was an idiot: he never understood why Steve talked like an old man: what kind of a 13 year old used words like "inquiry" or "Lack thereof"

"Fine…" Bucky said, seemingly giving up.

"But say I did like someone…I wouldn't know what to do if we went on a date or something like that. Would I kiss them? What if I'm bad at kissing? What if…what if they didn't like me because I'm skinnier than they are and you can see my rib cage in the mirror…" Steve started to say as he felt his breath get shorter and shallower. He was now legitimately scared to go into a relationship with someone because what if he sucked at it and no one would want to date him. Especially not Bucky.

"Calm down Steve, you'll give yourself an asthma attack." Bucky said, handing Steve his inhaler as he started rubbing his back to try and calm his best friend down. "Tell you what, I'll help you practice."

"Practice what?"

"Kissing and stuff." Bucky said as Steve felt his heart stop and start back up again: he

had to be dreaming.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, we're both straight so it's not like it counts as a real kiss. I'm just helping out a friend." Bucky said. Steve's heart was pounding so hard right now, he was surprised when Bucky didn't notice.

Bucky just crashed his lips into Steve's and Steve felt all of the butterflies in his stomach let loose. If this was what kissing was like, Steve wanted to do it forever.

"See, you're not that bad at it Rogers." Bucky said, Steve was just sitting in the corner of Bucky's bed, trying his hardest not to look his friend in the eyes out of fear that he'll confess his undying love for his best friend, especially since Bucky's mom and dad were home. As it turned out, that would not be the last time the two of them would kiss: and Steve would find new and interesting ways to fuck everything up between the two of them…


	2. (1) Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart

**Chapter 1: 'Twas like a breath of spring, I heard a robin sing…**

"Steve, wake up…" Bucky said urgently. It was their first day of senior year and to celebrate, the two boys decided to have some fun with their usual "Three Rule" agreement.

**Rule 1**: Tell no one. Neither Steve nor Bucky were out and neither one of them liked to be the center of attention. Bucky insisted that he was straight, but he also didn't know that Steve was in love with him, nor did he need to.

**Rule 2:** No Feelings: This was a little harder to obey because Steve was head over heels in love with Bucky and he couldn't tell him.

**Rule 3: **No spending the night, which was the rule they just broke as Bucky was still in Steve's bed.

They hadn't actually gotten to the sex part of their relationship, mostly because Bucky wasn't comfortable with it, but they had done everything up to any sort of

"butt stuff" as Bucky put it.

"Why are you still here Buck?"

"I fell asleep dumbass. Think your sister will recognize it if I wore one of your shirts?"

"She knows we have sleep overs all the time…Nat just doesn't know what we do at those sleepovers…"

"And she doesn't need to know, Stevie. God do you only own Red, White and Blue?"

"No, there're some black shirts in the corner…"

"Where?" Bucky said point blankly before he found a sort of acceptable white Pink Floyd vintage t-shirt. Bucky changed out of his ratty old tee and Steve couldn't help but stare at him. He was built like a Greek god and Steve couldn't help but be jealous. Bucky noticing the way he staring at him, patted him on the shoulder.

"At least now that you've finally hit puberty I can actually bum clothes off of you…"

"I wasn't that small…"

"You were smaller than Natasha was."

"I'm still not jacked like you or Rumlow or Sam…"

"You had quite the glow up during the summer, dude. You're fucking hot." Steve felt himself blush at this. Puberty hit him like some sort of superhero serum. He suddenly had abs and girls were finally looking at him with a look other than pity: not that he cared about what they thought, but if he was being honest the attention was nice. But some things were too scary to face, and his sexuality was at the top of the list.

"Hardly…"

"Why do you do that to yourself, Steve?"

"Do what?"

"Put yourself down. Steve, you're that best person I know."

"Why would your opinion matter to me?" He said back.

"Cuz you love me." Bucky smirked as he pointed out while Steve was beaming back at him. His "crush" hadn't gone away, even after 10 years. They were both 18 now, going into their senior year. Steve was beginning to get anxiety about the possibility of him and Bucky going to different schools: because the chances of that are very real and as a result, very scary.

_You know that's true_. Steve desperately wanted to say but he couldn't because he was scared of losing Bucky forever. Steve was a coward when it came to caring about himself. He'll stand up for other people until the sunsets but when it came to himself: he didn't really care.

"Dude, it's the last year of high school. This year is going to be sick as hell: plus we're eighteen which means no one can tell us what to do any…"

"Boys, time for school. Steve, don't forget you have a doctor's appointment after school. Natasha, please no cat fights with the Natchios girl this year and for God's sake please, neither of you come home with a weeks detention..." His mother, Sarah shouted up the stairs. For the most part his asthma had gone away but every now and then he had an attack and it terrified him (and his mother) to go anywhere without his inhaler: also, Steve was his mother's favorite, contrary to what Natasha insisted on.

"Kay mom." "Be right down Ms. Rogers." Both of them said at the same time. As they opened the door they saw a pair of black converse and a flash of bright almost orange hair. Natasha Romanov-Rogers was staring right back at them.

* * *

"Nice sleepover boys?" She said smugly. Alarms were going off in Steve's brain.

Play it cool Steve, don't let her see you struggle. He noted mentally because if there was one person who would force it out of him, it was Natasha. She had this habit of scaring him into giving him what she wants. She had first done it on her first American Christmas with them and got Steve to tell her exactly what she was getting from his parents. She then proceeded to tell his parents that Steve had spoiled Christmas for her.

"Yeah." Bucky said pushing past her as Natasha gave him the middle finger. Him and Natasha were like brother and sister. Steve worried for like a year that they were going to hook up and fall in love but they never did.

"Can you both chill out? Nat: all we do is play video games…"

"Right, so how is James with a joystick?" Natasha said.

"I don't know what you're talking about Nat, plus no one uses joysticks anymore."

"Next time, make sure everyone else is asleep before you…play video games." She taunted. It's what sisters did: Steve should have known that Natasha would find out sooner rather than later.

She had this way about her, it's almost like she was an assassin/spy in a previous life. Natasha Romanov-Rogers knows everything about everyone and she used this information to get her way.

Steve was most likely the person to suffer from her blackmailing ways: but she w was the only one allowed to pick on Steve. Between his Quarterback best friend and whatever Natasha was, God help anyone who dared to try and mess with Steve.

Steve particularly loved it when she made Tony Stark, the cockiest person Steve knew "wriggle like a worm on a hook" to quote Natasha's childhood favourite movie, The Little Mermaid.

"Steve, Natasha: time for school." Sarah said from the stairs. As the two of them descended down the stairs, he noticed that Natasha was wearing a barely there scarlet top under the zipped up halfway leather jacket he got her for her Christmas (it was their dads and Natasha had had a particularly hard time when he died: Steve got some of the holes fixed with the help of Steve's friend, Sam and his mother in exchange for Sarah's spiced plum pie recipe last year for Natasha's Christmas present).

"I can't believe my babies are all grown up…" She gushed, and then a slight sadness grew in her eyes. "Your father would be so proud of both of you." She said, as Bucky showed up and wrapped his arm around the woman who was basically his second mother.

"Mom please…" Steve said as he started to move down the stairs but his mom stopped him.

"Wait, Stevie, Tasha; I need to get my phone." She said before rushing out to get it. Natasha was hiding a smile. Bucky noticed this and Steve's slightly annoyed facial expression.

"What's up with you?"

"Nothing…I'll tell you later." He said, dreading that conversation because of Rule 1.

"Natasha, what did you do?"

"Nothing James, I don't know what you're talking about…but between you and me you might want to work on your…oh look, Elektra's almost here."

"What's up with her? I thought her and Natchios were pissed off at each other after Natasha sold her vintage Chanel bag in exchange for a new pair of Versace sunglasses …"

"They were, then Elektra made out with Clint in front of her before he left for boarding school. So I think they figured they were even." Steve said.

"Okay, Natasha get off your phone for five seconds please, Steve stand beside your sister: I need a picture of my babies on their first last day of school." Sarah said grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

"Mom…" both Natasha and Steve groaned at the same time.

Bucky was holding back a laugh as Sarah took a picture of her kids. He was enjoying himself way too much right now and Sarah saw this.

"When I say I need a picture of my babies, I mean all of my babies, James that includes you…" Sarah said in deadpan voice as Bucky begrudgingly (but not really) took his place beside Natasha, his arm secretly wrapped around Steve's waist. Steve wanted nothing more than to blush and grab his best friend and kiss him directly on the lips: but he didn't.

At the time, Steve didn't know if Natasha felt James arm reach over her waist to grab Steve's ass cheek (she did).

"There, that wasn't the worst thing ever…oh; there's the door now…"

"Bye mom. See you after school."

"Steve, forgetting something?" She said handing his blue inhaler to him.

"Thanks mum." Steve said happily.

* * *

When Steve got to school that day, his palms were sweaty. Not that they were sweaty when he left for school in the car with Natasha, her friend Elektra Natchios, plus Bucky. But they were suddenly sweaty when he got out of the car. He had to rub them on his shirt and then there were sweat stains on his tee-shirt so he had to change into his gym shirt and now he was stuck wearing his gym shirt for the rest of the day.

"Sweat much Rogers?" Tony Stark said. The two of them had an interesting relationship to say the least. Tony was the most popular kid in school and he basically had everything: wit, charm, good looks, his father was basically richer than God, genius level intellect, people liked him, he had self-esteem.

So what? Steve could draw.

"Yeah well…um I …"

"Burn." He said, winking at Steve. It was definitely not a burn but Tony thought he was the best person at everything he did. Tony actually considered Steve one of his best friends, which surprised Steve because he didn't like meeting new people or making friends, least of all with people as flashy as Stark. He had Bucky, Natasha, Sam, Clint and Peter Parker. They were all the friends he needed. Sure, he'd talk to other people to be nice to them, but the thought of actively putting himself out there made him nervous and gave him anxiety.

So when Tony suddenly called Steve his best friend at the end of their Sophomore Year, it caught him off guard. Here was the most popular kid in school calling tiny, frail Steve Rogers his best friend and now he was stuck with Tony and his dry, inappropriate sense of humor. But Steve would be lying if he said that Tony wasn't his friend. Like Peter Parker, Stark was more Steve's friend than Bucky's.

"Leave him alone Stark." Bucky said protectively behind Steve.

"Whatever other, less interesting half of 'Stucky'." Tony said. "Calm down Barnes; Rogers knows I'm kidding. Oh look, here comes my favourite girlfriend."

"I'd better be your only girlfriend Tony…Hey Steve, I hope Tony's not bothering you too much?"

"Why does everyone assume I annoy people?"

"Because you're annoying, Tony." Pepper said, dragging her boyfriend away.

"It's because Steve Rogers is a wholesome All-American Golden Boy Next Door, I know how much you love those Pepper and I will have you know that Steve Rogers is a very annoying wholesome All-American Golden Boy Next Door."

"Uh-huh. We got twenty minutes for you to do whatever you want in an empty classroom, Tony." She said coyly.

"I will see you at lunch, Rogers." Tony said rushing after Pepper.

Bucky had a hard time accepting that Steve could be friends with someone as, volatile and unpredictable as Tony Stark. Steve had long suspected that Bucky was threatened by Tony and Steve's friendship and Steve had to reassure him that Tony would never mean to Steve what Bucky meant to him. With Bucky he could just be himself, he didn't have to worry about what other people thought of him: he was Steve's Safe Place.

"Hey big bro, you okay?" Natasha said behind him.

"Hmm? Yeah, I-I'm fine…"

"Thinking about a certain super sexy Iowan who we both know you're in love with?"

"What are you talking about, Nat?"

"Relax big bro… I'm kidding. Listen if you hear any rumors about me don't believe them… got it?"

"Okay? What rumours are we talking about? Natasha?" He asked without noticing that she had disappeared. He hated it when she did that.

* * *

"…Did you hear about Romanov?" A Russian girl stated: it was Yelena Belova , his sister's arch rival who wanted desperately to beat her at anything.

Steve heard mumbling from a phone, who was obviously the person on the other end. They were talking shit about his sister. It was probably Alexei Shostakov, Natasha's ex boyfriend, one she didn't end on good terms with. The same Alexei that started dating Yelena two days after their break up. Steve swore to himself that if he ever saw Alexei again he would beat the crap out of him.

"I already knew that Alex. Yes, but sweetie did you hear how she's in love with the Barton freak? Not only that, but she has actually turned into a homewrecker…" That first one was a surprise, as far as Steve could tell, Barton was the one with the one-sided crush on Nat.

"Who are you talking about?" A voice said behind Belova. It was Elektra Natchios: the Queen Bee, the girl that went out of her way to play mind games with other people: and on top of that, she was best frenemies with Natasha. More friend than enemy but Elektra and Natasha were still known to throw down hard.

One year they broke the school bleachers in half when Natasha wore the same shirt as her. It was the most epic brawl of all time and they were metal bleachers. Principal Fury still had no idea how they accomplished that.

Elektra has nothing but respect for Natasha because she doesn't give a shit about what other people say about her. And Natasha likes Elektra because she is the only girl that she has fought that was her equal in every way unlike Yelena who was sub-par in both Elektra and Natasha's minds. Of course neither Elektra nor Natasha were stupid enough to trust the other. They have one of the most complex friendships of all time. They made him and Bucky's friendship seem simple.

"Natasha Romanova-Rogers fucked Matt Murdoch last year, I didn't want to tell you because…because of your little arrangement with him. I'm just trying to be a good friend Elek…." Yelena said, clearly lying to Elektra. Yelena Belova had had it out for Natasha since 8th grade when Natasha got the lead role in the school musical as Maria Von Trapp in The Sound of Music. Elektra saw right through this and silenced her.

"Yelena, do you know what happens to people who dare try and go out of their way to lie to me? No? Now let me tell you a story; it's about a girl named Karen Page. Karen liked to play with fire and one day she made the mistake of crossing me in the worst way possible: she tried to get in the way of me and my Matthew. Do you know what happened to Karen Page?"

"Who?"

"Exactly; she is now a High School drop out; working in the school cafeteria and taking night classes in a separate school district. Now I have, of course heard these rumors about Natasha, and have even asked her about them. If I did that to a complete stranger, imagine what I would do to a friend who is lying to me and fucking my sometimes lover behind my back? Do I make myself clear?" Elektra was scary and Steve sure as hell hoped that whatever rumors about Natasha were untrue. "We're not all home-wrecking sluts, and I know Natasha isn't the kind of person to fuck someone's boyfriend two days after their particularly bad break up." She said clearly talking about Yelena's less than stellar reputation.

Yelena nodded uneasily and scurried off. She hated both Natasha and Elektra but she knew better than to cross the daughter of a diplomat. But Steve knew this was far from over, Yelena Belova was cut from the same cloth as his sister and Elektra: she would not back down without leaving serious carnage in her wake.

"Steven Rogers." Elektra said passing him, clearly noticing him the whole time.

"Having a good day spying on your sisters, to quote your friend James 'best Frenemy'?" She said in her distinct tone of both venom and admiration.

"Wh-what are you talking about?"

"Steven, I'm not judging you. We all do it. It would amaze you the things I know about you and your little friend, the hot one, Barnes, isn't it?"

"If this is another one of your mind games, Elektra, I don't want to play anymore…"

"It's not Steven besides I've decided that I'm going to take you under my wing…"

"I don't want to be under anyone's wing…"

"It's not a request."

"You know I don't like people right?"

"Neither do I. Natasha is the closest thing I have to a friend, other than Matthew."

"Please don't tell me you have the same sort of 'friendship' with Natasha as you do with Murdock…"

"I don't. I only need one lover." She said, slowly walking away from him. "Oh Steven? Don't tell Natasha we're friends… she's way too protective of you." She said before she turned around and left. "And for some reason she thinks I'm toxic." She shrugged.

"Maybe…and this is just a theory, but maybe it's because you tried to poison her last year when she made Cheerleading captain last year."

"You have no proof I did that Steven."

"You were seen by Bucky sneaking something in her tea. Moments later she threw up on Betty Ross and you became cheerleading captain."

"How is James? Still…playing video games in the dead of night?" Why did everyone use that euphemism, Steve wondered, it's like they all know something.

"What do you mean?"

"Steven Rogers, you intrigue me…"

"Elektra what are you doing?" Bucky said from behind them both. He sounded protective and slightly pissed off. Steve would be lying if he said he wasn't turned on. Angry, protective Bucky was the second hottest Bucky, after the nurturing Bucky that he had come to know.

"Taking young Steven under my wing James. Not harm in that right?" she said, venomously.

"You know Natasha will kill you both if she finds out about this."

"Steven, James. I have no interest in turning Steven against Natasha."

"The way you said that makes me think that's exactly what you're doing, Elektra…"

"I'm bored with this conversation James… Steven, think about what I said…"

* * *

When the bell rang, signaling Lunch, Steven was walking towards the Cafeteria when he felt himself being slammed against the lockers to his left. Brock Rumlow still had so much power over him even though they were similarly build: Rumlow would always find a way to get to him.

"Looking a little skinny there Rogers. Maybe you should eat something other than Barnes' asshole." He jabbed. There was no way Rumlow could know about him and Bucky. Then again, Brock Rumlow had had it out for Steve since first grade when Steve brought a sparkly pink lunch box to school one day because Natasha grabbed his with the cookie because he was a good boy and Natasha had thrown a tantrum of epic proportions the previous day

"Hey asshole. No one cares about you. Now take your busted face away from Steve before I give you another black eye." Bucky screamed at him. Had Steve not been in school, he would have asked Bucky to take him right there in the middle of the hallway.

"Rogers is a big boy now Barnes, ever since his little growth spurt I've been wanting to have a go at him…punching a walking stick was starting to get boring: now he's huge: should be fun hitting something that could potentially punch back…"

"You come near him and I swear to God…"

"I almost forgot you were a package deal. Maybe you should just fuck him already Barnes and get it over with…" And with that remark, Bucky swung his fists first. Everyone who saw the fight knew what Rumlow was doing. It was his favourite thing to do, getting people to throw the first punch so he could claim self defense to their God-awful vice principal, Mr. Schmidt, a no nonsense German with a known preference for Rumlow and his band of fiends.

Besides Steve, Rumlow also had it out for Natasha and Bucky and anyone who associated with them. He hated Natasha because she was his sister and she had bit his face when he tried to kiss her without her consent. And he had never forgiven Bucky for making it known that he cried when himself, Rumlow and Bucky's sister Becca watched Sleeping Beauty.

"Herr Barnes, my office. Congratulations, you just landed yourself a detention. Herr Rogers, whilst I don't care if you follow your… friend with me to my office, you just landed yourself a detention as well. The rest of you miscreants clear out before I start handing out Detentions with a t-shirt cannon." The miserable, perpetually angry, German Vice-Principal said before dragging Bucky to his office by his shirt collar.

* * *

Their Lunch Period was 90% done by the time Steve saw Bucky again. He looked pissed. Bucky saw Steve with their friends, Peter Parker and Sam Wilson and signaled Steve to follow him.

"I gotta go guys. Peter, what do I need to do for the Bio project?"

"Oh…um I already finished it. I'll just put your name on the paper…"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah it's not due for another few days so if I need you for something I'll text you. I need to do some stuff after school but maybe you could come over after school and we could put the finishing touches, like tomorrow or something? My aunt and uncle said you could come for dinner if that's okay" Peter said shyly. He had only met Peter's Uncle Ben once but his mom and Peter's Aunt May were colleagues at the hospital.

Peter Parker was a nervous kid, but he was probably the smartest kid in school (other than Tony and Bruce Banner). They had only gotten close in eighth grade when he moved to Brooklyn from Queens after his parents were killed in a car crash. Peter and him few things in common, but they were both the kind of kids parents wanted their children to be friends with.

"Lover boy calling you?" Sam quipped, catching Steve off guard. Peter looked quizzically at him, as if he was trying to figure Steve out.

"I gotta go." Is all he said before joining Bucky.

"I'll be at the library after school, Steve."

* * *

"Bucks, hey what's up?" Steve asked in an abandoned hallway before Bucky leaned in and kissed him. To his surprise, Steve stopped him.

"Why'd you stop?"

"We're in school, Bucky... not that I don't want to. Just answer my question?" He asked calmly though starting to get worried. Bucky could be reckless, but not

usually this reckless.

"Schmidt got Coach Coulson to fucking kick me off the football team and then he gave my spot to fucking Rumlow."

"That's bullshit…"

"I need to get out of here. You in for a road trip this weekend?"

"Of course, but Bucky please tell me we're not going to do anything stupid?"

"I need to feel something, Steve."

"Bucky you're starting to scare me."

"I'll be fine Stevie." Bucky paused before speaking again. "You always were eighty percent of my self control. Even if I did want to go on a nine day bender your voice would speak like my own personal Jiminy Cricket. I need you a whole lot more than you need me..."

"I'll always need you Bucks…I'm with you till the end of the line." Steve said as the bell rang.

* * *

Steve was not looking forward to going home. He knew that his mom would at the very least be angry at him for getting himself into detention and he wasn't disappointed when she started ranting at him.

"What did I specifically ask you not to do this morning?...you are 18 years old Steven…What were you thinking?" Those were some of the things his mother asked him. Sarah Rogers was not a woman to be trifled with. She may have been small but piss her off and hardly anything would calm her down.

"Are you even listening to me, Steven?" This got his attention. Steve looked up at his mothers face expecting a scowl but instead she was almost pleading with him to let her in. "What happened at school?" She asked more calmly than she was a few minutes ago.

Steve explained what happened and he could tell his mother was trying not to interject. He left out a few key things, namely that Rumlows remarks weren't unfounded and that his relationship with Bucky was complicated and not entirely platonic.

"So?" He asked hoping she would spare him punishment.

"I'm glad you didn't get in a fight, Steven: but that still doesn't excuse your detention.

You're grounded for three weeks. No parties…"

"Ma I don't go to parties…"

"No girlfriends then…"

"Have you ever seen me with a girlfriend ma? Not that I don't like girls: I love women. They're so…feminine." Nice job Steve. Steve thought to himself. That'll convince her you're straight. He could almost hear his sister roll her eyes in the dining room

"No Bucky."

"No Bucky?"

He heard his sister laughing from the other room. He is sure Natasha wasn't laughing at her homework. She was eavesdropping; it's what she does best.

"No Bucky!" She stated as Bucky walked in looking upset about something. He had a small bag with him.

"Bucky?"

"James what happened?"

"My parents kicked me out when they found out I got kicked off the football team. I don't want to stay in my car, but I can find somewhere else to stay if you…" Bucky said, although he was trying his best not let tears fall: Steve knew what his best friend looked like when he was upset.

"Sweetie you're staying here and I'm going to call you mother and father and tell them that you're safe. Steve a word, Natasha take Bucky up the guest room…"

Sarah said to Natasha, who then proceeded to grab Bucky by the hand and take him to the spare room that used to be their dads office.

"Mom it's fine, he can stay in my room."

"Normally I would agree but since you both decided to get yourselves detention on the first day of your senior year, he'll be okay… now you have a doctors appointment, don't think that I've forgotten young man, you are to go there and come home. James you and Natasha are to study in the living room…understood?" Sarah Rogers said: Steve knew one thing about his mother and that was not to fuck with her.

Both of the 18 year old boys nodded their heads and exchanged looks. Steve felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Steve couldn't help but notice the awkward air between Bucky and Natasha, whatever that was all about.

_It couldn't be that bad_. Steve thought to himself.

**Bucky: We'll talk later... **Buck's message to Steve read but Steve didn't have time to test his mother's patience.

It definitely couldn't be that bad...as he got his keys for their mini-van, Steve looked back at Bucky and Natasha looking like they were having an intense conversation. Steve took one last worried look at Bucky before he left for his doctor's appointment.

* * *

Everything would be okay. Steve thought to himself as he felt the strings on his heart be plucked like a harp. For the first time in a long time, life might actually go his way and it was all thanks to Bucky Barnes.


	3. (2) I Don't Know How To Love Him

**Chapter 2: **

**If he said he loved me/I'd be lost, I'd be frightened…-"I Don't Know How To Love Him, Jesus Christ Super Star (Webber, Rice)**

Bucky would be lying if he didn't say he had feelings for Steve. But he couldn't lose his best friend and after what happened between him and Natasha one night when Steve was out of town with Stark and Banner, he knew both Steve and Clint would never talk to him again.

When Steve left, Bucky and Natasha went over to the dining room table and started their homework.

"Steve doesn't know right?" Bucky said, almost paranoid.

"Know what, Barnes?" she said, not looking up from her calculus textbook

"You know what I'm talking about…"

"What that we fucked and you said you didn't want to be with me because you thought you might have feelings for my big, oblivious brother? No I don't think he does."

"I never said I had feel…" Bucky started to say.

"You think I don't know what you two do at your little sleepovers? I doesn't take a genius to put two and two together. Even Stark knows something's up: he started writing fan fiction about you two..."

"But Stark is a genius…" He said deliberately choosing to ignore the fact that Tony writes fan fiction about him and Steve.

"If you say so." She snorted. "Look he's not going to find out from me. I love my brother and this would destroy him…"

"Do we have an accord?"

"Why are you talking like Barbossa from the Pirates franchise?"

"Just answer the question Romanov…"

"Duh." She said before getting back to her phone. That was all they talked about, the rest of the time was spent in knew that for the time being his secret was safe, but when Natasha Romanov –Rogers is involved, it won't take long for Elektra Natchios to find out: and regardless of how badass they were or how close Natasha and Elektra were, Elektra scared both Natasha and Bucky shitless.

* * *

"Mom? I'm back." Steve said walking in the house with a stupid grin on his face. Before Bucky could say hi, Sarah grabbed the keys from his hand.

"I texted you like five times, Steven…"

"Mom what's up?"

"May Parker asked me to cover her overnight shift tonight; her husband was shot and her nephew witnessed it."

"Oh my god…" Natasha and Bucky both said at the same time.

"I need to call Peter…" Steve said frantically looking for his phone.

"Steven you will do no such thing. That poor boy has been through enough. You three will be okay tonight? I know I promised it would be taco night but theres some money on the kitchen table. Order something and boys, no video games. Understood?" They both nodded quietly as she walked out the door.

"Right you losers have fun. I'm going out. I'd invite you but I don't want too." Natasha said checking to see if their mother was still in the drive-way. "Don't wait up, but if I'm not home before mom, distract her for me?"

"How?" Steve asked.

"I don't know, make out in front of her. Let her catch you snorting a line of coke. I don't give a fuck. Just distract her for me, Steven."

"What's in it for us, Nat?" Bucky said smiling. Steve was looking at his phone, no doubt wondering if he should call Parker. Bucky knew they were friends and why, because they were both the typical, wholesome, morally upright boy-next door types.

Bucky wasn't going to lie: he missed Clint. With Clint they could raise hell together and Steve would be like the little angel on his shoulder that gets flicked off. It's just his parents were forcing him to go to some elite boarding school with the best archery program in the state of New York.

Natasha stormed off in a flurry and he never got an answer. Steve found his phone in his pocket, which was about as anti-climactic as it could get. Now Bucky knew that he had to talk to Steve about what his dad had said to him. He wasn't sure if he was ready to do that.

"What happened with you and your parents?"

"Some things were said and tempers were raised…"

"Bucky…"

"Steve I don't want to talk about it." He said trying to get Steve to stop looking at him with those puppy dog eyes.

"Bucky…"

"My parents told me that they're getting a divorce." Bucky said as Steve's jaw dropped. It was a half truth, he knew this was coming and he knew why. Steve didn't need to know that. There were a few things Steve didn't need to know.

**Thor: Hey James, sorry to hear you got kicked off the team. For what its worth, Rumlow sucks and the rest of the team miss their captain. Besides you're still invited to my party this weekend. Bring Rogers with you. Tony says that's Stucky must join the festivities.**

"Who are you texting?"

"Thor, something about a party on Friday. Wanna go?"

"We're grounded, well I am."

"You're cute when you become all prudy…"

"We both know I'm not a prude, Bucky."

"Whatever Mr. Morality…you in?"

"I can't do that to my mom. She already has her hands full with Nat…" He said, but Bucky was partially distracted what looked like a painting of a man standing on the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge, looking like he was about to jump off. "Are you paying attention, Buck?"

"When did you paint this?" Bucky asked clearly more interested in his picture. Steve had always been a genius when it came to art, especially painting. This picture was one of his best. The silhouette looked familiar but Bucky couldn't pin who it reminded him of. It haunted Bucky, and he couldn't put to words exactly why.

"When dad died. He always loved walking by the bridge." That was one of the few times in the last year that Bucky had heard Steve talk about his father.

"What's it called?"

"I don't know yet. It's not finished. No one was meant to see it. It's personal."

"It's really good, Steve." Bucky grinned. Steve had an almost guilty look on his face, like he wanted to tell him something. The more Bucky looked at the unfinished painting, the more it looked like the man was about to jump and the more it started to haunt him. "Right, so…movie night?"

"Obviously. Which one though?"

"Your pick but please not another boring Judy Garland movie…"

"But we still haven't finished watching A Star Is Born?"

"Thank God. No offence Steve." He winked.

"Fine…we could always rewatch Jurassic Park?"

"Now you're talking." Bucky smiled. Dinosaurs were still their thing. They would always be their 'thing'.

A half hour later, after the part of meeting the dinosaurs, Bucky brought up the Party thing again. They'd watched Jurassic Park a thousand times before and they'd probably watch it a thousand time more in the future.

"So you in for Friday?"

"Maybe…" Steve said as the T-Rex at the lawyer on the toilet in Jurassic Park, Bucky grinned at Steve with such an intense puppy dog face that Steve must have known that he'd have to give in. Bucky had Steve tied around his little finger.

"Maybe?" Bucky said beginning to kiss his neck. Steve stopped the movie at this point. They wouldn't be getting back to it anyways.

"Fine." Steve said as Bucky ripped off Steve's shirt. The fact that Bucky was supposed to have been at Football practice or getting high in the parking lot with Thor was a distant memory. But Bucky didn't care about the world out there. In their own little world, Steve and Bucky were happy and Bucky wanted that secret little world all to his own.

* * *

Steve must've gotten up at 11 or so that night to call Peter or his mom. Bucky didn't see him leave, but he knew where he was. He was sitting in his dad's chair with a house robe on. It was Steve's spot unless Natasha wanted her way (which she usually did). Steve didn't let himself cry about his dad, but Bucky knew how much Steve missed Joe Rogers even if he refused to talk about it. Joe never made Steve and Natasha do something they didn't want to do. He loved Steve and Natasha no matter what. Not to mention that Joseph Rogers loved Bucky like his own son.

**Clint: Dude, where r u?**

**Cint: I'm suffocating at this pretentious af school. There are these twins that have latched on to me and won't leave me alone.**

**Clint: Please, tell me you're not sucking Rogers' dick right now…**

**Clint: BARNES!**

Bucky was deliberately ignoring his archer friend. There were some things Bucky couldn't talk to Steve about and Clint Barton was the least judgemental person in Bucky Barnes' life (of the people not named Steve Rogers that is...) and Bucky knew that Clint wouldn't rat him out to Steve ever.

**Bucky: What do you want Barton?**

**Clint: Sweet, finally came up for air? ;)**

**Bucky: I'm ignoring you. If Steve knew you knew, he'd kill me. **

**Clint: Oh please, Barnes, we both know Rogers can't stay mad at you…but I ****swear to God this fucking Maximoff kid is driving me up the wall on purpose.**

**Bucky: Thor's having a party on Friday…**

**Clint: Sweet, meet you at your place**

**Bucky: I'm staying at Steves. My parent's have the fucking divorce lawyers over and I can't look my mom in the eyes without screaming at her…**

**Clint: She's still making you keep the affair a secret?**

**Bucky: Guess I learned from the best…**

Bucky deleted that last text because he knew Clint would start to wonder why that was. The two people Bucky couldn't tell about him and Nat were the two people who knew almost everything about him.

"Hey, Bucks? I'm gonna head over to Parker's place before school. He needs a friend and Stark is, well he's Stark." Steve said to him out of the blue. He had a point: Tony Stark was many things; Genius, son of a Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist: but he lacked tact and often said things that shouldn't have been said. Bucky remembered Mr. Rogers funeral and how horrible Tony was at comforting Steve. Natasha nearly castrated him after Bucky told her what he said at the funeral.

"Go."

"Wanna come?" Steve asked as Bucky replied with a head shake. Peter was more Steve's friend than Bucky's.

"Peter needs you." Steve replied with a kiss to Bucky's cheek.

"But right now you're all mine."

"My mom's having an affair with someone…"

"What?"

"My dad still doesn't know about it and when the divorce lawyers came seemingly blaming my dad's drinking on their divorce I lost it on my mom. My dad is still in love with her and told me to get out."

"Bucky, I'm…I should have known."

"I never told anyone. Becca is the only one who knows about the divorce but my mom told me that if I was a good son I wouldn't tell either one of them about affair." He lied. He knew Steve wouldn't be happy that Clint knew before he did.

"Do you know who he is?" Steve asked as Bucky smiled a sad, knowing smile. Of course he knew who the other man was. Nearly everyone in New York knew who he was. All Bucky did was nod. Steve raised his eye brows at Bucky as if to ask

'Who?'. Bucky knew that he'd have to tell Steve because it was only a matter of time before it came out.

"Howard Stark, Tony's Dad..." Bucky said, looking down even though he knew his best 'friend's' jaw had dropped like a stone. "I can't lose my family Steve..." Bucky started to feel tears roll down his cheek.

Bucky half-expected Steve to say something like 'you should tell Tony' or 'Are you sure?' but he didn't. All he did was drop his phone on his bed and hugged his best friend. No words were necessary, they knew each other well enough to know when words wouldn't have as much of an impact as a hug would. Bucky nestled his head in between his...Bucky was starting to wonder if 'friend' was the right word to keep using with Steve...he nestled his head in Steve's chest.

* * *

Around 6 a.m Bucky heard someone stumble through the door followed by what sounded like drunken swearing. When he went to peak out the door he saw Natasha glaring at him.

"You're...supposed to be in the guest room." Natasha said, she was usually a heavy weight but this time she was clearly drunk. No doubt Elektra took her and Carol Danvers to a fancy bar with top shelf liquor.

"And you're supposed to be at home on a school night, sober."

"You're a dick."

"Go to bed, Nat."

"Fine, but if you hurt him, you're fucking dead Barnes...got it?" she said before lightly slamming her door shut. Bucky couldn't help but feel insulted, as if he'd ever hurt Steve on purpose.

Steve was grounded and had 'lost his Bucky privileges'; so Bucky decided it was best not to push it since Sarah was letting him stay in her home. When he got to the guest bedroom, which had been Joe's old office but Sarah didn't feel a need to keep it all cluttered with her husband's old stuff. He knew Natasha was pissed that her mom would just pack up their dad's stuff and throw it in storage. Steve never said anything about it; Steve never talked about his dad's death. Natasha however never bottled anything up and to say she was pissed is putting it mildly.

When Bucky flopped on the sofa-bed, it was really uncomfortable. Bucky took out his phone from his pant pocket: there were three unread messages. One from Clint, one from Becca and one from Steve.

**Becca: Please come home? I need my brother. Mom and dad are trying to make me choose sides...**

**Clint: Should I bring pot or do you think Odinson will have some?**

**Steve: I wish you could stay...I can't sleep :( **

Bucky felt himself smile at the last one. When he answered Becca and Clint he exited from the messages app on his phone to a picture Steve drew of him. It was one day after school when Bucky's parents were arguing. Bucky couldn't stand being at home that year, when they were 16: it was a gorgeous April day and it was one that didn't need to be ruined by his parents. Steve and Natasha took Bucky and Becca out to Central Park for the day. Nat was giving Becca some pointers on high School and what not to do.

***F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

_"What ever you do Becca, don't repeat outfits in the same week. Got it?"_

_"Um...I think so?"_

_"Okay, good. Remember to meet your friends on the first day so you don't..." Bucky was listening on and off to his sister absorb every single word Natasha said. He rarely knew where he stood with his best friend's sister, but Natasha Romanov-Rogers was amazing with Becca. Becca, who was 14 at the time, hero worshipped Natasha and Steve ever since that day in third grade with Rumlow when she was six and just starting grade one._

_"Aren't you scared she's going to be just like my sister?"_

_"Please Rogers, she's just getting some advice." He said turning back to look at Steve._

_"You don't think Nat's gonna turn Becca against me right?"_

_"No, she's not a bitch..." Steve said, Bucky glared at him. Nat had a reputation for being the biggest bitch at school. "Okay, she's not that big of a bitch. Although if Becca starts sneaking out at night to go to parties or drinking, you know who to blame." He said, with his pencil in hand, clearly sketching something._

_"What are you drawing?"_

_"Nothing, look more towards me?"_

_"Steve, if you're drawing me, can I at least see the end result?"_

_"Maybe..."_

_Bucky did as Steve asked and the boys continued their conversations about their lives as if they hadn't seen each other for years._

_"I was thinking about applying to art schools after High School..."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I don't know though. What if I'm not good enough?"_

_"Steve, shut up. You are good enough. Even if you don't think you are, I know you are..." Bucky said as Steve looked at him with grateful eyes. Bucky never realized that Steve's very blue eyes had little specks of gold in them. His body was so much different than it had been a year and a half ago. It was still thin but he wasn't looking as sickly anymore. Steve had gained a little bit of muscle mass since they first met_

_in third grade._

_"What about you, Barnes? Still got plans to go to Yale?"_

_"I don't know, I was thinking about the Army too..." Bucky said, half expecting his best friend to shoot down the idea but Bucky just saw a smile form on his face. Not like a big toothy grin, more like a small one sided grin._

_"I think you'd do great in the army, Bucks..."_

_"You're not completely against the idea?"_

_"Why would I be? What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't support you no matter what? Plus you in an army uniform..." Steve said, passionately. He was so much more confident about his friends than he was about himself and that broke Bucky's heart. Steve was a great guy, he just doubted himself so much. He felt his heart skip a beat, and there was a silent almost whisper in the farthest reaches of his brain almost like a little voice in his head telling him 'this is the love of your life, James Buchanan Barnes, don't fuck it up...'._

_Three weeks later, Joseph Rogers was found dead in his office by Steve Rogers. His cause of death was an apparent stroke hours before while his wife and children were at school and work._

***F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

Steve shut down after that day, he was (according to Steve) being strong for his mom and sister but he never took time for himself. He never gave himself a break because, from what Bucky saw, Steve decided to become their rock. Bucky remembers only seeing Steve cry once during his dad's funeral, and it was in a bathroom with just him and Steve.

Since the day of his father's funeral: Bucky knew he needed to be Steve's best friend first. Bucky knew that this was what was keeping him from telling Steve about his feelings for him. That meeting Steve was the greatest moment of his life, that Steve was everything to him, and that he (Steve) was everything good in this rotten world where moms make their only son (Bucky) keep secret affairs with Howard Stark from her husband/his father.

* * *

Bucky woke up an hour later and grabbed whatever shirt he had packed in his bag and put it on. He grabbed his phone and went through his messages, he had three unread ones.

**Rumlow: See you at school freak.**

**Clint: Please save me from these twins...they are making my life a living hell. **

**Thor: What libations do Stucky enjoy at informal teenaged festivities? Stark wishes to make his ohteepee comfortable. **Bucky knew he would have to talk to Stark about the whole fan fiction thing, and that it would be the least awkward conversation he would have with him.

"James, are you awake sweetheart?" Sarah Rogers asked knocking on his door.

"Yeah, I'll...um I'll be right out." He said opening the door to a shirtless Steve and his mother. Why did he have to be shirtless right now? It was 7:40 in the morning. Bucky was already sexually frustrated and now he has to deal with...Bucky got distracted for a second there. When he refocused his attention: surprise, surprise, Natasha was mocking them.

"Aw, Bucky missed Steve's work with a joystick last night..." Natasha said, still drunk but hiding it well.

"Bye Natasha." Steve said. "Ma, I'm going to stop by Peter Parker's place..."

"Steven Rogers, you are to do no such thing."

"He asked me to, Mom."

"Fine. Go. Natasha, James, you need to head out now." Sarah said before heading back into her bedroom.

"Walk with me Barnes?" Natasha demanded.

* * *

"Isn't Elektra driving you..." He started to say before realizing that she had only gotten home about an hour and a half ago.

"She's pissing me off, and you have good reason to stay away from her."

"What do you mea..?

"She knows." Natasha said, even though she wouldn't admit it, there was fear in her eyes. Elektra loved playing games, she was kind of an evil genius. "I told her and Carol last night."

"After you specifically told me you weren't..."

"What can I say, I have a loose tongue when I drink." Bucky put his hands on his head secretly wanting his head to explode or something like that.

"Shit, shit, shit shit..." He began mumbling to himself.

"Look, Barnes don't worry about it. I will handle it and the important thing is that Clint and Steve don't find out. Got it?" Natasha said, glaring at him. Bucky wasn't usually afraid of Natasha like Steve was, but right now, at this moment: he is.

I'm fucked Bucky said. Yesterday was hard, but today was going to be just as hard. Everything was going to change in his world: Bucky wasn't even sure if his one constant, his anchor, the one person that made him like he could be himself, would love him back if he knew. And now that Elektra knew, it was only a matter of time before she got bored and decided Steve should know too.


	4. (3) No One Is Alone

**Chapter 3: No One Is Alone**

**People make mistakes/Fathers/Mothers/People make mistakes...- "No One Is Alone" Into the Woods (Sondheim/Lapine)**

Walking to the Parker's small apartment felt like he was wearing lead shoes. It felt like that time he had to pick up the phone to dial 9-1-1 after he found his dad lying lifeless in his office. Nat was at Cheer Practice that day and his mom was working her usual 7-4 shift at the hospital. Steve remembers fumbling to grab his phone and trying his hardest not to panic. As he was dialling the three digit number his fingers felt like steel.

When Steve arrives at the apartment he realizes he has no idea what he wants to say. As he starts to knock the door opens revealing a very different looking Peter Parker. He had headphones in and it looked as though he was trying his hardest not to break into tears. Steve smiled at him holding up some flowers for his Aunt May. He had to be better than Tony Stark was at comforting people.

"Hey. Look I know that you wanted me to come over but if you need some time to yourself..."

"Please stay. If I'm stuck here alone I'm going to drive myself mad."

"I still gotta head to school..."

"Please, Steve. I need a friend."

"What happened?"

"We were getting some flowers for my aunt at a convenience store when this guy robbed the cashier. Uncle Ben tried to stop it when..." Peter fumbled at the last part. Steve started walking towards him to comfort him. Peter backed away as if to say 'not now' "There was so much blood..." No matter how hard Peter tried not to cry, the tears started pouring. "Shouldn't you be heading off soon?" he said to Steve who was just standing there, not understanding how to comfort his friend.

"I'm sorry I suck at this stuff..."

"What do you mean?"

"Comforting people...talking to people?"

"You're not bad at it Steve, certainly better than Tony is...and by people you mean everyone other than Barnes?"

"Bucky's different."

"What do you mean by that?" Peter said, his eyes no longer flowing with tears. Steve supposed it was a good thing that Peter was talking about something other than his uncle.

"We get each other. There aren't many secrets between us..."

"So he knows you're in love with him?" Peter said, as Steve's jaw dropped.

"How did you..?"

"It doesn't take a genius to figure it out, Steve."

"You can't tell anyone Peter...I can't lose Bucky. I just can't."

"Your secret's safe with me. Can I ask you a question?"

"Fire away."

"Does it get easier?"

"There are hard days, birthdays, first major religious Holidays, like I don't know if

you're Jewish, Christian or other and I don't want to assume..."

"Steve, I'm usually the one who rambles. But I get it..."

"If it helps, my dad once said to me is that he 'didn't want a gay son'."

"What do you mean?"

***F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

_**January, 4, 2009**_

_Steve was not really looking forward to school on Monday. He had gotten into an argument with Bucky the Friday before and as a result they hadn't spoken all weekend. Steve kept obsessively checking his phone to see if Bucky decided to be the first person to apologize. But all he got were texts from Barton, Bruce Banner, Thor and Tony:_

_**Thor: Why must my two comrades quarrel? Forgive each other and all shall come to a happy end.**_

_**Barton: Look I'm not saying that Barnes isn't a stubborn asshole but he is and so are you. Just apologize and save us all the trouble.**_

_**Banner: Guys, please just make up? **_

_**Tony: Do you think I could build a suit of armour that could help me fly if I found the right power source? Also, just apologize to Barnes. I'm miserable if Stucky is no longer real. **_

_Nat was, for some reason taking Bucky's side on this argument. Steve could barely remember what they were arguing about but it was enough to get him so angry that he refused to talk to his best friend._

_"Just apologize, Steve. It would make my life so much easier..."_

_"Why are you taking his side again?"_

_"Because he's right. Even Parker says he's right. Steve you're too nice for your own good and it make it easy for people to walk all over you."_

_"I'm just a nice person, Nat.."_

_"And there's not usually anything wrong with that Stevie...but can you honestly remember the last time someone did something for you without expecting anything in return?"_

_"Bucky said that I might as well be a door mat because people just walk all over me..."_

_"And you called him white trash, Steve. After everything he's done for you. Look, Steve you're a good person, you just don't know how to act around people sometimes..."_

_There was more to it than that. Bucky was on edge at the time because he started dating Jessica Drew at the time and he was trying to ease Steve into accepting that he would miss their weekly marathon of old Hollywood movies and crappy action films. Steve didn't like that and Bucky said something along the lines of :_

_"So now you decide to grow a fucking backbone, Steve? I'm surprised you didn't just let me walk all over you like you let people like Rumlow do..." to which Steve replied:_

_"At least I don't have a family that isn't every white trash stereotype wrapped up into one giant fucking mess?" It wasn't his finest moment and he regretted it as soon as the words 'white trash' came out of his mouth. _

_Steve was honestly surprised Bucky didn't punch him in the face. Although the fact that Clint and Thor were holding them off of each other helped. This was before Clint transferred to Professor Xavier's School for Exceptional Athletes or whatever._

_"You don't think I know that? You don't think I know that there's something wrong with me in here?" He said angrily pointing to his head as the doorbell rang. It was probably Barton or Elektra. When Natasha opened the door, Steve was surprised to see that it was Bucky._

_"Hey. Can we talk?" Bucky said firmly. Steve knew he was in the wrong but he was also so stubborn that he wouldn't dare admit to it. Bucky was the same way: actually most of the people he knew were the same way._

_Steve knew that he fucked up. He was terrified that Bucky was going to tell him that he didn't want to be friends any more and he couldn't even blame anyone but himself._

_"Steve..."_

_"Bucky, I know I messed up. I was just so angry..."_

_"Steve..."_

_"You know I have impulse control issues and that when I get angry at someone I get mean..."_

_"STEVE! Shut the fuck up..." Bucky finally screamed as Steve paused. "What you said was fucked up..."_

_"I know. I don't know what I was thin..."_

_"Let me finish, Rogers. I told you in confidence about shit my family has gone through and for you to just use that against me was...of all the people I thought could use my family against me, you weren't one of them. I want to never talk to you again. But I'd be lost without you."_

_"So you forgive me?"_

_"Not completely. You destroyed my trust in you..."_

_"But you forgive me?"_

_"Yes I forgive you, you idiot." Steve was back in his 'okay books'. They had just started the second semester of their Junior Year and Steve was finally starting to grow into his own body._

_It was out of impulse that Steve kissed Bucky and Bucky didn't recoil, he kissed back. It was the first time they'd kissed since that day in 8th grade. Neither boy noticed that Natasha Romanov-Rogers had walked up the stairs to check on Steve and Bucky after overhearing the screaming and then duck out and announce her presence in some other way._

_"Steve, Barnes; we gotta go..." She said, trying to hold back from asking them about what they were doing to in general trying to out them to her. She knew she would have to talk to Steve about this. But on his terms, not hers._

_"Coming." They both said..._

*** END OF*F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

"Steve, you still going to school? You can stay here if you want too..." Peter said, noticing a tear rolling down Steve's cheek.

"No...I'm fine. I really am sorry about your uncle. I'm sorry for making it all about me..."

"Steve, I'll be fine. If you ever need to talk, you know that you can come to me. Like if you don't want to talk to Bucky or you know if you need help with biology or whatever...I'm rambling again aren't I?"

"Yeah, same goes for you kid." Steve said, smiling sadly: something Peter returned in kind. Steve left Peter who was heading out to meet his best friend, Ned. Steve knows he could have handled that better than he did.

***F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

**March 6, 2009**

Steve felt old feelings resurface. Feelings that he thought he'd never have to face. He had moved on from Bucky: but now he found himself making out with his best friend whenever they had the time to. They had established three rules and Steve found himself breaking most of them, most of the time. He still refused to tell anyone about his not-so-straight feelings for Bucky Barnes. Steve had always known he was gay: he just hoped that he wouldn't actually act on it until like, post-secondary Art School. Then he'd go all out, Madonna concerts and everything.

"Steve? You okay bud?" Joe asked him one day when Nat and his mom were at

Natasha's Ballet class.

"I'm fine dad..."

"I know that look."

"Do you?"

"I was a teenager once upon a time. What's her name?" Joe asked as Steve felt his palms get sweaty and this time they were actually sweaty and he wasn't just making it up in his head.

"You don't want to know that..."

"I remember when I was in St. Francis of Assisi Catholic Secondary School. There was this one gorgeous chick who I fell in love with the first time I saw her. We dated a long time and have two kids together..."

"Dad: I don't need to hear the story of how you met mom in High School and have been together ever since..."

"Your old man was quite the lady killer, all of the nuns said so."

"Because nuns have such great authority on men?" Steve said, trying to make a joke. His parents were devout Catholics. Natasha was a staunch Atheist. Steve didn't know what he believed in.

"Steve, as long as you don't get her pregnant it's going to be fine."

"You don't have to worry about that, dad." Steve said, secretly pleading with

whatever God was listening that he wouldn't have to tell his dad.

"What do you mean, Steven?" Joseph asked.

"Dad I'm..." Steve started to say as the front door jiggled open revealing his mom and sister with a pizza box in Sarah's hands.

"Boys, we brought pizza." Sarah said as Joseph quickly got out of that armchair that he loved so much. He avoided any sort of eye contact with his only son. In that moment Steve had never felt more alone.

When Steve joined him parents and Natasha, he noticed how distant his father suddenly was, it was as if they no longer had anything to relate with.

"So, how was your day Steve?" Sarah asked. Fucking shit is what it was...

***END OF*F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

Steve was at his locker for God knows how long. He had tried his hardest not to think about his not so glorious coming out scene with his dad. Of course, he didn't actually come out that day, he came out to him a few weeks later: the day before Good Friday.

He was actively avoiding Bucky and Natasha and most of his other friends. The only person who proved not to be a thorn in his side was, surprisingly, Tony Stark.

"Hey, did you hear about Peter's uncle?" He asked.

"Yeah, I went over to his place before school..."

"Why didn't he ask me?"

"Because you suck at comforting people, Stark..."

"I only suck at comforting you, Rogers."

"Not true, hon." Pepper said out of nowhere. "Hi Steve; hope he's not bothering you too much..." She said grabbing him by the ear and dragging him away. That's when Steve saw Bucky, Natasha and Sam Wilson all charging towards him, looking slightly pissed off and concerned at the same time.

"Hi Steven Grant Rogers, is your fucking phone dead? Because that's the only excuse I'll accept as to why you haven't answered any of the texts your loving sister and two best friends have sent you." Natasha demanded.

"Nat I'm sorry. I wasn't in the mood to..."

"Not a good enough excuse. Steve, you're lucky you're such a nice guy because some people might take this personally."

"Like you?"

"Steve, are you okay?" Sam interrupted as Natasha was about to quip with some sassy rhetoric. Most of the time, he was a jokester but he was also very perceptive and took the time out to make sure his friends were okay. Steve and Sam had met in seventh grade and instantly clicked. Bucky took some time to get used to him but they eventually developed an unusual dynamic not unlike Natasha and Elektra of all people with less fighting and more sass.

"I'm fine." he said as Natasha frowned as if to say 'Then why didn't you answer your damn phone.' She was never going to let this go. Bucky remained silent so far, no doubt waiting for the two of them to be alone. He didn't want Natasha to hear how much he resented their dead father. Or how visiting Peter Parker brought up memories about his dad that he'd rather forget. "I'd just rather be alone today. It's not something you guys did, it's just I need some time to myself."

"Fine. Nat let's go…"

"Steve is this about da…"

"Nat, he wants to be left alone." Sam said dragging her away from her brother; while doing so, Sam Wilson looked at him worried (he had never seen Steve look so flustered). Two down but Bucky wouldn't be as easy to get rid of.

* * *

"So, is this about Parker?"

"Bucky please. I'm not in any mood to tal…"

"Yeah well I don't like seeing my…best friend look like someone ran over his puppy. So either you're going to talk or I'll go straight to Parker about this."

"Fine yes it's about dad. You know I was only able to talk about him when I was with Peter? How selfish am I?"

"A little selfish but Steve you never really dealt with what happened to your dad. Hell I didn't even see you cry until after the funeral even. Though I know you wanted to. And don't give me that bullshit excuse about wanting to be strong for Nat and Sarah. What happened between you and your dad?"

" I don't know what you mean…"

"Steve."

"Bucky please don't make me…"

"Steve what happened?"

***F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

**April 2****nd**** 2009**

_Steve remembers going through the rest of that year worried about two things: his new situation with Bucky and how fragile it was even though it was every thing he had ever wanted. The second was his relationship with his dad. Even though Joseph had been pretending like everything was fine, Steve could see that things weren't going to be going back to normal unless he did something about it._

_"Dad?"_

_"What's up son?"_

_"Can we talk?"_

_" I actually have things to do I think your mother wanted me to…"_

_"Dad, she's at work. Natasha is at cheer practice. "_

_"What's this about son? I'm very busy…"_

_"Dad I need to tell you something."_

_"Steven now isn't the best time."_

_"I've put this off for too long."_

_"Put what off? Steve I really don't think this is the best time…"_

_"When is, Dad? What I wanted to tell you is… I don't even know if I can get the words out. Dad I'm…"_

_"Steve your mother will be home soon. Maybe you should talk to her about whatever it is you need to tell me so badly."_

_"Dad I'm gay." He said aloud for the first time. He looked at his dads face for any sign of acceptance. He could barely find any sort of emotion. "Dad say something…please?"_

_"I don't know what you want me to say, Steven."_

_"I still love you? Everything's going to be okay? Don't worry Steve, nothing is going to hurt you? Please dad I need to know that I'm okay." Steve pleaded._

_"I…Steve. I'm your father and I love you, but this isn't something I think I can accept." His dad said. "Steven…"_

_"What dad?"_

_"I still love you and I just need some time."_

_"How long?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"It's a simple question dad. How. Long?"_

_"Listen, just because you are mad at me, young man; don't think this gives you permission to give me attitude. You are still my son."_

_"Dad just tell me how long you need. I've wanted to tell you this since I was twelve when I first realized I was in love with Bu…" Steve stopped himself before he could say too much. "Look I didn't want to tell you I was gay._

_"And I didn't want a gay son…"_

_"Dad I'm gay, it's not like I'm a mass murderer."_

_"I know, Steven.__ I didn't mean what I said: I just want what's best for you. __What you don't understand is that I grew up in a very different…"_

_"No dad what you don't understand is having to hide this side of you I'm just glad I figured out who's on my side before it was too late. You never had to be afraid because of who you loved."_

_"Just give me time, okay?"_

_"Fine. Take all the fucking time you need." Steve said, slamming his office door. He knows he'd have to pay for that in some way: but right now he was hurt. He trusted his dad and he needed to hear the words '**I don't care, as long as you're happy.' **_

_Little did Steve know then: 'All the time he needed' was about to run out sooner rather than later._

***END OF*F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

Steve looked at Bucky wondering what to tell him. Bucky looked up to Joe as someone a father should be. George Barnes was an okay dad as far as Steve could tell. He was never really in Bucky's life though and that was the problem. Joe on the other hand was always there for Bucky and was the one to teach him how to shave. Steve didn't want to take that away from Bucky.

"Steve what happened between you and your dad?" Bucky pleaded with him.

"I don't want to ruin whatever memories you have of him..."

"Steve, you're deflecting."

"I told him something and he didn't accept it. The last words I said to him were 'take all the fucking time you need.' It's my fault he died, Bucky: isn't it?"

"Steve what are you talking about? You're dad had a stroke and you found him in his office alone. You don't have the power to cause strokes, Steve. What brought all of this up?"

"The whole situation with Peter and his uncle and I..."

"Steve, please talk to me..." Bucky pleaded in a tone similar to the one he used the day of his (Steve's) father's funeral. But Steve was making his life ten times harder: he knew he'd have to come out eventually, but his dad kind of traumatized him.

"I'm gay." He said to Bucky point blankly.

"And? Steve you think I care about that? Our little arrangement was made under the impression that we both need something to do. It's mutual satisfaction, no strings attached."

"So you don't care?"

"To be honest, I never thought you were straight...this is what you and your father were arguing about wasn't it?" Bucky said, perceptive as always. He was Steve's anchor. "What did he say?"

"The worst thing I thought he could say: that he needed time."

"How was that bad?"

"It just wasn't what I needed to hear."

"What else did he say?"

"That he didn't want a gay son..."

"What? Steve, you're more angry about the fact that he needed time than you are about that?"

"He apologized for saying that."

"Steve: you know Joe loved you so much right? It doesn't excuse what he said, but you had the best dad ever."

"I just wanted him to love all of me..."

"There are other people who do. Your mom, Nat, your friends...me."

"Bucky?" Steve asked as the bell rang. Bucky loved him?

"Come on we should get to class."

"Bucky wait..."

"Later, Steve..." He said. As he walked down the hall to class. Steve was once again left alone with his thoughts. He wasn't sure what to think anymore and his whole relationship with Bucky was about as confusing as calculus was.

* * *

Steve sat at home alone staring at a blank screen. It was, unintentionally, the hardest day since his father's death. Steve remembers being a little kid climbing high on his dads shoulders to look at the Tyrannosaurus fossils at the museum. He barely hears the front door open nor does he hear Natasha ask for him. He was too busy lost in thoughts.

***F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

_"Daddy I can't see..." A seven year old Steve complained. He was excited to see the dinosaurs, he was also happy that second grade was done. It was hard, he didn't have a lot of friends, he thinks it's because he's so small. Boys aren't supposed to be small, they are supposed to be big and strong and the doctors told his mommy that he might never be big and strong. Him and Natasha were close and she had a friend Clint that he supposed was cool, he liked dinosaurs and archery, and he couldn't hear without this 'hearingaidthingy', as Clint put it._

_He saw another father hoist his son on his shoulders. "There we go, James. Is that better?"_

_"Yeah." the boy said with such glee._

_"Daddy?"_

_"Yeah son?"_

_"Can I get on your shoulders?" He asked and before he could finish the sentence, Joseph was on his knees and told him to hop up..._

***END OF*F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

"Steve?" She asks kindly. It was an odd almost disconcerting tone she used. She sounded worried almost. "Are you home?"

"In here." He said. "What's up Nat?"

"Is everything alright? You're more quiet than usual."

"I'm fine." He said unconvincingly. Natasha caught the lie immediately and frowned instantly.

"No you're not." She said sternly in that headstrong manner that they both had. "Is this about Peter?" she asked.

"No. Nat?"

"What's up Little Wolf" She said, using her Russian nickname she gave him when he was five and he stood up for her against Brock Rumlow in Natasha's first day of kindergarten.

"You haven't called me that in years..."

"You're skating, Steve, tell me what's wrong?"

"Did dad love me?"

"Steve, dad loved both of us so much that that's a stupid question...what's wrong?"

"I think I'm theres something wrong with me. I don't like people, Nat..."

"I know. I like you, but you're my brother so I have too." She said, playfully pushing his shoulder.

"But there is one person I really like."

"Oh?" She said, sounding surprised, Steve didn't know she already knew, and she was much better at hiding her feelings. "Who is it?"

"Bucky. Nat I'm gay..." He said. Two people in one day and he felt exhausted. Shivers went down his spine, a flock of seagulls were flapping all over his stomach and his palms were actually sweaty. "Please say something?"

But Natasha did something neither of them expected. She wrapped her hands around Steve into a rare Natasha Romanov-Rogers hug. "I don't care, Steve. I would never care..."

"Dad did..."

"What do you mean?" She asked as Steve felt tears start to form in his eyes.

"He said he needed time and I didn't give him time and then three days later he died so its my fault right, Nat?"

"Steve." Nat said, Steve felt like there was a frog in his mouth. "Steve, it's not your fault. And I know he would have accepted it, it would have taken time but he would have accepted it."

"Why do I feel so alone?"

"You're not, alone I mean. You always have me, even if you are an annoying older brother. You're my annoying older brother, and if anyone fucks with you because of who you fall in love with, tell me so I can kick their ass. It's hard now, but Steve if anyone can get through this, it's you." She said as Steve's phone buzzed, he grabbed his phone from his pants pocket.

**Bucky: Hey, sorry, I didn't catch you after school. Coach wanted to talk.**

"Hi mom, what did you always tell us about bringing home strays?" She said playfully.

"Isn't there a horde of flying monkeys looking for their master?"

"Isn't there a L'Oreal commercial you should be starring in?"

"Bite me Romanov. Hey, Steve." Bucky said as Natasha dismissed him.

"Steve, sweetie are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine...Mom I'm not really hungry, I think I'll just go to bed."

"It's only three o'clock, sweetie, if you're sure. I'll check on you in an hour or so." She said as Steve went up the stairs but not before noticing Natasha mouth 'talk to him' to Bucky.

* * *

As if on cue, as soon as Steve face planted himself on his bed, he heard his door swing open. He knew who it was probably going to be and was pleasantly satisfied when he felt his best fri...when he felt Bucky land on top of him and embrace him.

"You okay punk?"

"I'd be better if you got off me, jerk."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really. Can we just lay here? Forget the world out there?"

"For you, anything. You know you always got me, right?"

"Great so I'm stuck with you?"

"'Till the end of the line, that's what you said to me, wasn't it?"

"I guess." Steve said, on the inside his heart was fluttering like a million butterflies were waiting to break free.

"Awesome. This weekend, you, me: we'll get away, maybe head to Coney Island?"

"You say that like it's some big grand trip."

"I gotta take my best gal out for a night on the town."

"What about Thor's party?"

"We don't have to go. We both need to get away for a bit, clear our heads..." Buck

said as Steve cuddled next to him.

"I kind of want to go? It might be good for me?"

"It would be good for you, Stevie." Bucky said giving Steve a quick peck on the nose.

When Steve reflected back on this day he realized that he'd come out to three people in one day and none of them hated him or wanted nothing to do with him. What he didn't know was how he'd tell Bucky that both Natasha and Peter Parker knew about their relationship nor how he'd react. He also didn't know how his mother would react. His dad's reaction was devastating and he knows that if his mom reacted in a similar way, that it would break him completely.

***F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

_**April 5, 2009.**_

_Steve had had a trying last few days. His dad and him still hadn't talked about his sexuality and there was no sign of him telling him what Steve wanted to hear him anytime soon. As he turned the lock on the front door open he was hoping to ask his dad about something. At least try and get a conversation started? Maybe?_

_"Dad? I'm home..." He shouted. As he did he heard a giant thud on the floor above him. In his dad's office. "Dad?" Steve shouted as he ran upstairs. To his horror when he got upstairs, he saw his dad lying lifeless on the floor._

_"Dad? Daddy? Please..." he said fumbling for the phone._

_**911, what's your emergency?**_

_"Hi, my dad isn't waking up."_

_**Sir, what's your name?**_

_"Steve. Steve Rogers?"_

_**Okay, Steve, can you hold on for a moment, the ambulance is on it's way. In the mean time can you check for breathing? **_

_**" **He's breathing...what else can I do?"_

_**Just stay there, help is on the ** **way.** The lady on the phone said as Joseph grabbed Steve's hand._

_"Dad, I'm sorry. I take back what I said..." That was the last thing he said to his dad. When the ambulance came, Joe was still breathing, but wasn't speaking._

_When his mom and sister got to the hospital: it was Steve who had to break the news that Joseph had had a stroke and didn't make it. Bucky and Becca came to hospital a few hours later. During all of this from the hospital to the cemetery, Steve never cried once. Even Natasha cried, but no matter how much he tried he couldn't bring himself to tears..._

***END*OF*F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K***

* * *

Steve woke up that night next to Bucky who had his right arm across Steve's chest. A buzz from his crappy Motorola Razor snapped him out of his Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol moment.

**Barton: Rogers, do you know if Odinson is gonna have weed? Barnes never gave me an answer.**

**Thor: Tell Barton that no cannibis shall be provided by me. Also tell him to stop bothering everyone and just ask me himself.**

**Peter: Thank you for coming today. I know you don't think you're good with other people but you aren't bad at it Steve. I really needed someone to talk to and you helped. See you at the party tomorrow. **

**Unknown Number: Steven. We need to talk, ASAP. Meet me tomorrow in the Cafeteria. You know who this is.**

How Elektra got his number Steve didn't know until he realized she was one of Natasha's best friends. Sleep finally crept up to him.


	5. (4) Send In The Clowns

**Chapter 4: Send In The Clowns**

**Where are the clowns?/Quick send in the clowns/ Don't bother, they're here…-** A Little Night Music (Stephen Sondheim) "Send In The Clowns"

The next two days were fairly uneventful. Although Steve had decided to actively avoid Elektra which he could already tell would not end well for him, but his expected conversation with her was already terrifying enough. He knew he was playing with fire by ignoring her, but he didn't want to hear what she had to tell him.

Clint decided to ditch school on Thursday and crash at Steve's place, although he had to bring his new 'friends', Steve guessed was the best way to describe them, Pietro and Wanda Maximoff, in order to keep them from telling the head teacher on them. They annoyed Clint and entertained Steve to no end. Steve particularly took a shining to Wanda. Her and her brother were juniors: and this would be their first high school party since moving to America from a place called Sokovia in Eastern Europe.

As his one time substitute History teacher,

Principal Maria Hill once told his class: Sokovia was "nowhere special but it's on the way to everywhere special."

* * *

When the five of them got to Thor's place the party was in full swing. As far as Steve could tell: it was going to be a nightmare. Natasha wasn't coming with them: she was adamant on not showing up with her lame brother and his domestic partner as she called them (to which Bucky rolled his eyes and Steve glared at her for at least an hour).

"Comrades! Come join the festivities." Thor bellowed. He was huge and very boisterous and spoke with a Swedish accent. Him, his parents and his brother (Loki) moved to the states in Thor's Sophomore year while his half-sister, Hela was back in Sweden attending university there, unless she was in prison for staging an anarchist rebellion.

"This is nice party. Pietro Maximoff, this is my sister Wanda." Pietro piped up as Thor wrapped his arm around the Eastern European boy and brought him to get some beer, leaving Steve, Wanda and Bucky to themselves.

"Steve, I'm gonna get a drink you want anything?" Bucky asked, Steve felt Bucky's hand grip his shoulder tightly. He smiled slightly turned towards Bucky. He didn't notice the Maximoff girl was eyeing him carefully.

"A beer would be fine." Steve said as Bucky walked off leaving only him and the weird Maximoff girl.

"You like him."

"What?"

"Clint Barton's friend James. You like him."

"I don't know what you're talking about... what's your name again?"

"Call me Wanda. And for the record, it doesn't take a genius to figure it out..." She said, glaring at him. Why did people keep saying that to him? "You should talk to him." She said, her smile softening. Steve was kind of creeped out by her at first; but for the most part he knew she wanted to be here as much as he did (which meant she didn't want to be here at all), which was something he could sympathize with. They were both here for someone else: Steve was here because he told Bucky to please him, Wanda was here because she wanted to keep an eye on Pietro.

"I don't know...how?" He said not noticing that she'd already left to join her brother and Barton. He then saw Bucky walking back towards him with a beer in his hand. On the one hand, his mother would be disappointed in him if she knew he was drinking, on the other, she didn't need to know. Steve smiled an awkward grin at him which

"Having fun?" Bucky seemed to ask but Steve couldn't hear him.

"WHAT?"

"I ASKED IF YOU WERE HAVING FUN?"

"YEAH...TOTALLY." Steve said waveringly, he then felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

**Bucky: We can go if you want to?**

**Steve: No, I need this...**

**Bucky: Want to go somewhere to talk?**

Just then, Steve noticed that Natasha, Carol and Elektra entered the party, all drunk, but of the three of them, Carol was the most composed. Steve supposed it was because she could handle her alcohol better than anyone he knew, even Bucky. That's when he saw danger in Elektra's eyes as she walked towards him, like a lioness stalking her prey. He knew that he'd put off their conversation long enough, but she'd have to wait a little longer. He noticed her eyes flicker dangerously at him, Bucky, Nat and someone else he couldn't tell because it was in the same direction as Thor, Clint and Tony. She knew something and this unnerved him.

**Steve: Can we?**

* * *

Steve and Bucky grabbed their drinks and left. Steve didn't need to look back at her to feel Elektra's acid glare on his skin. He knew he was playing with fire but he'd rather talk to Bucky. That was until he felt a soft but firm hand grab his arm.

"Where do you think you are going, Steven?" Elektra purred like a leopard taunting her prey. "I thought I told you I needed to talk to you this week and you kept me waiting..."

"Can't talk, Bucky and I were just going to..."

"Leave him alone Natchios..."

"The last time I checked, Barnes, I stopped listening whenever you talk, now I need to borrow Rogers for a second if you don't mind..."

"I do mind, Elektra. Let. Him. Go. Now..." He snarled, gaining the attention of everyone around them. Natasha looked concerned, she didn't trust Elektra anymore than Bucky did. Sam and Peter Parker showed up beside her, asking what was wrong, even Tony had a worried look on his face. He knew how dangerous Elektra was.

"Bucky, it's fine, It's just a talk..."

He could face Elektra by himself. Bucky stormed off as Clint and the Maximoff twins followed him.

"Why so protective, Barnes? Afraid something might slip out..?" She shouted back making Bucky stop dead in his tracks, making him look back with those worried puppy dog eyes that then turned into pure rage as he continued to storm off.

"That's enough Elektra. Say what you need to say and leave him alone..." Natasha said grabbing her arm as Carol Danvers tried to step in between the two of them.

"Nat, it's fine..."

"Steve I don't think you understand..."

"He said it's fine, Romanov...or is it Rogers I can never remember which one you go by..?"

"Let's go." Carol said dragging Natasha by the arm to the bar where Pietro Maximoff and Thor were pouring shots of top shelf liquor. Elektra turned her attention back to Steve.

"Shall we, Rogers?" She said, grabbing his arm and dragging him to an office of some sort.

* * *

"Out now..." She said, kicking out Wanda Maximoff and some kid named Vis with a horrible sunburn who were either making out or just talking to each other really closely.

"What do you want Elektra..."

"Rumlow knows..." she said, deadpan. Steve felt himself start to panic: as Elektra could only be talking about one thing. She took out a USB stick. "Yelena Belova showed this to me..." She said, playing a file called 'Rogers, Steve'. "You really should pick your make out spots more carefully..." She warned as Steve saw found footage from a few days ago in that abandoned hallway: and standing right in front of the camera was Steve making out with Bucky, because there was no denying it was either of them.

"How did she..?"

"She was there, Steven. She didn't hear whatever you and Barnes were talking about but she clearly saw everything else. I think she and Rumlow plan to use Thor's party to expose you and... whatever she has on Natasha." She said.

"I think I'm going to be sick..." He said, feeling sick to his stomach. "I need to find Bucky..."

To his surprise, Elektra let him leave, not without having the final say. She was a lot like Natasha or Tony Stark in that way. People like them always needed to have the last word.

"You should have come to me when there was still time, Steven... next time, don't keep me waiting." She warned. "I won't be so forgiving next time." Steve hurried out, knowing who he was looking for.

* * *

When Steve found Bucky he knew he looked a mess. People kept coming up to him asking if he was okay: Sam, Natasha, Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Clint, Bruce Banner. All he wanted was to talk to Bucky about what Elektra told him. When he found Bucky, he was drinking heavily, what looked to be either really strong water, or straight Vodka. As soon as he saw Steve, Bucky stopped drinking and got up and they left the party to go upstairs for some privacy.

Sitting in an empty bedroom, the two boys sat in silence. It was quieter, the boom from the music was background noise, but was nonetheless, audible. Steve suddenly felt himself relax, the sudden worry he had went away in Bucky's presence.

"You good?"

"Yeah, Buck I'm fine…" Steve said, but he could tell from the shadows around his best friend's face that he didn't believe him. "I'm fine, Bucky."

"Okay. If you say so…" Bucky said, clearly not wanting to let it go, even if Steve said he was fine.

Something had changed between them since Steve told Bucky he was gay. Steve felt more afraid of losing Bucky now more than ever before. It was like because the gates had opened, a storm was free to destroy whatever light he had in his life. Bucky began to lean in for a kiss, and Steve reciprocated. Just as their lips touched, they both noticed a shadow at the door.

"What are you mortals doing in my bedroom?" a posh sounding sneer came from behind them. Steve and Bucky turned around to see the face of Thor's greasy little brother, Loki. Well, in Bucky's opinion he was greasy. Steve had never had much interaction with him, so he couldn't really make a decision about him.

"Sorry Loki."

"For your information, Rogers my name is…oh never mind. My question still stands."

"We needed a place to talk?"

"Lover's quarrel?" Loki said. "Relax, Barnes: I'm kidding. Still no excuse to sit in my room, which my brother assured me that this room would be free from this god forsaken party and its degenerate party-goers. Why I trusted that big blonde oaf I will never know?"

Bucky was already out the door, Steve was about to leave when he noticed Loki had an almost sad look to his face.

"Was it something I said?" Loki said mischievously. Steve rolled his eyes, but Loki grabbed his arm.

"Look, I'm not saying this because I like you Rogers, or your "mate", Barnes, or whatever you're calling each other…but be careful… Not everyone is as cool with whatever you two are doing as I am. And I practically caught you eye fucking in my bed."

"What do you mean Loki?"

"Thank you for using my actual name, Rogers. You'd be surprised how many people call me Laufeysson or Greasy Little Weasel or The Other Swedish Kid amongst others. A gesture as simple as calling someone by their given name goes a long way."

"Answer the question, Loki." Steve said before they were interrupted by a loud raucous from the floor below. It definitely sounded like a fight.

"I believe that noise just did."

"BARNES STAND DOWN…" Thor bellowed before a shattering sound crashed throughout the house.

"And that would be the china cabinet." Loki said before Steve started to run towards the door only to be interrupted by a very concerned looking Tony and Pepper.

"Steve; you might want to come help."

"What happened?"

"Rumlow said something to Barton and then Barton charged towards Barnes. This is so not going in my next

fanfic."

"Shut up Tony." Pepper said behind him. "Steve, it's looking pretty serious." Loki disappeared into the shadows as Steve ran out of the room to find Bucky and wherever the noise was coming from.

* * *

Steve pushed his way to the centre of the crowd to find Thor, Pietro and Bruce holding back Clint while Parker and Sam holding back Bucky. From the look on Peter's face, Natasha might have been the better choice to hold back Bucky. He saw a gleeful Brock and a malicious looking Belova. He also didn't fail to notice the apologetic look he was getting from Elektra. Natasha was looking at Clint guiltily.

"Ah, here he is. The Star of the Show. Rogers, are you all caught up or would you like us to enlighten you?"

"What are you talking about Rumlow?" Steve knew what Rumlow was talking about, although he didn't understand why Clint was attacking Bucky for no reason.

"I was just congratulating Barnes from his return from the fairy realm…actually, Barton was doing the same thing as me, weren't you? Anyways lets just say you aren't the only Rogers' Barnes has been getting comfortable with."

"Steve don't listen to him." Bucky pleaded. "Look: just come with me and I'll explain the story..."

"What story?"

"Do you want to tell him or should I? Or should we let Barton tell him? Either way, Thor great party, people will be talking about this one for years to come…" Rumlow said sneering between Natasha and Bucky. Both of them couldn't look Steve in the eyes."Okay fine, I'll tell him…" he said with such glee in his eyes.

"Shut up Rumlow. Steve look, I-I need to..." Natasha said, Steve could actually swear he saw tears in her eyes."Anyways, we were drunk and then it just sort of happened…"

"You and Bucky…" Steve said in disbelief. It didn't make any fucking sense. They hated each other. His sister and his...Bucky were dating. That made no sense what so ever. Clint was the one Natasha was in love with, and Bucky was supposed to be h...they were supposed to be...

"Steve…" Bucky tried to say to him but Steve backed up. People started to stare at them.

"Looks like Rogers is gonna die of a broken heart!" Rumlow sneered. "Didn't know this was your coming out party…"

"Fuck off Rumlow." Elektra sneered. "Steve I told you this would..."

"Screw off Elektra."

"Talk like that to me one more time, James: let's see where it gets you, love."

Steve rushed out. He could hear someone rushing out after him. He knew who it was because he'd always rush out after him. But Steve also felt like his heart was breaking into two pieces, not even Bucky could put it back together. Especially not Bucky. They were supposed to be together until the end of the line, for better or worse. But this...

* * *

"Steve…listen, please…"

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why my sister, Bucky?"

"Because…" The look on Bucky's face told him that not even Bucky knew why he'd done it. "Steve I don't know what the fuck you want from me?"

"You."

"What?"

"I just wanted you, Bucky." He shouted in the middle of the street, not noticing a small crowd had gathered at the door. His voice cracked as he said Bucky's name.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't suddenly start playing dumb jock with me, James Buchanan Barnes because it is not a good look for you..."

"I seriously don't know what you mean. Steve wait…"

"I've been waiting for you, Bucky.

"Steve..." Someone said behind him. It was definitely Peter Parker's voice, warning him of the crowd gathered around them in the middle of the empty street. Steve, however didn't care about anyone else.

"I've been in love with you since I knew what love meant: because to me it means you…" Steve said, tears starting to form in his eyes. All of those carefully built barriers and structurally sound walls were suddenly crumbling and Steve was afraid what would be shown after the guard tumbles to the ground.

"I knew it." Someone said from behind them. From the malicious tone, it sounded like Rumlow.

"Steve…"

"Please say you love me back…" Steve pleaded, forgetting that there was crowd of people behind him.

"I can't…" Bucky said walking away.

* * *

The crowd began to thin out but he knew that they were all talking about him. He didn't care, but he saw Natasha coming towards him and he wasn't in the mood to talk. Especially not to her.

"Steve, come on…" Natasha said to him, almost pleading but Steve pulled away from her grip. "Steve…"

"Why?"

"Steve, can we talk about this…"

"Do me a favour and never talk to me again, Nat."

"Steve..."

"He doesn't want to fucking talk about how the love of his life screwed his best friend..." Clint Barton said, clearly making it about him and not Steve.

"Oh stay out of this Barton. If you liked me so much than why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you?" Barton said as he stormed off, the Maximoff twins rushing off after him. Natasha stormed off in the opposite direction with Carol Danvers, Pepper Potts and (on Pepper's orders, though Tony knew he'd rather be with Steve than Natasha) Tony Stark. Even Elektra went off after her best frenemy. Steve knew that would go about as well as the party went.

* * *

The party died down after the drama ended. Sam and Peter were still there. Rhodey had walked off looking for Carol because they were dating something Steve only learned during the party. There was a lot of things Steve didn't know, it seemed.

"Awww, Roger's gonna cry because Barnes doesn't want to be his butt buddy." Rumlow sneered. A few of the people in the crowd nodded in agreement. "You're fucking disgusting, Rogers. I always knew there was something wrong with you."

Steve felt the tears in his eyes well up when he felt a strong hand on his shoulder. It was Sam Wilson with a very concerned Peter Parker behind him.

"Rogers, not here." Sam said trying to shield him from the little crowd that was left.

"I-I'd actually like to be alone right now."

"To bad, Rogers. You're not going to be. You're coming to my place. Coming Parker?"

"Aunt May said I had to be home by one…"

"We'll take you home." Sam said before the three of them piled in Sam's old Toyota before the three of them left towards Peter's house.

* * *

When they got to Sam's house, it was like, 2 in the morning and his mother was still waiting up for them…

"Sam do you know what time it is…I had half a mind to call…Steven?"

"Hey mamma, is it okay if Steve stays here for the night?"

"Of course. How was the party?"

"It sucked…"

"Him and Barnes got into a fight. So did him and Nat. And Nat and Clint…"

"Bucky Barnes found out you were in love with him…"

"Mamma! Steve, ignore her…she's crazy."

"Samuel Wilson, call me crazy one more time I dare you… Steven, sit. You're gonna listen to me. There are many things in this world I don't understand, but I wait for God to help me understand even if it takes him a lifetime to help me understand…"

"What she's trying to tell you is we're here for you…"

"No what I'm trying to tell you is that you'd better tell your mamma before someone else does." She said to Sam without looking at her son, but the look on her face said 'how dare you interrupt this lovely fucking moment'.

"Steven, life's too short to keep secrets..."

"You boys best go to bed…Sam, couch." She said, Sam immediately did as his mom asked.

* * *

Steve had done his best to hold back tears until now. He was alone in Sam's room and they just started pouring down his face non-stop. He'd lost his best friend and his sister all in one night. Not to mention his reputation was out the window. He saw the faintest reflection of himself in the darkness and he hated what he saw. Who was he kidding, thinking that Bucky could ever love him back? He never should have kissed him and planted that seed: because now he was a fool.

Here he was, the king of fools: he was used to being alone. At the end of the day, he could take care of himself. Just send in the fucking clowns, Steve.

He didn't need Bucky, he didn't care about Bucky.

Saturday the next day, Steve woke up feeling numb, not knowing what happened last night, when he grabbed his phone he had 10 unread messages, three from Bucky, two from Nat, two from his mom, one each from Elektra, Tony, Peter. It was only 8 in the morning and Steve felt like he was awake for the entire night. He kept tossing and turning the entire night, completely exhausted but too restless to actually get a good night's sleep.

**Mom: Steven, where are you? Bucky just came home without you or Clint, pissed off.- 2:30 am.**

**Mom: Steven Grant Rogers if you don't answer your damn phone this instant...-3:43 am**

**Tony: Rogers, I know I kid a lot with you, but you're my best friend and Rumlow is a jerk.- 1:45 am. **That one was obviously sent after Pepper made him go after Natasha.

**Elektra: For what it's worth, Steven, you did not deserve this, any of this and just say the word and Rumlow and Belova will disappear. **Steve smiled slightly at Elektra's text but he didn't want revenge. He just wanted to be left alone. He hated when there was attention on him.

**Natasha: I'm not going to apologize for sleeping with Bucky. I made a choice and it was a fucked up one. I am only going to apologize for hurting you and Barton. **

**Natasha: I know you are getting these, Steve. **

**Peter: I'm going to stop by Sam's house later today...just tell me when. Unless you don't want me to stop by, which I would totally understand because like, we barely know each other. I know I can be annoying sometimes but I care about you and other than ned, Michelle, tonY and gwen, ur my only other real friend...please don't repeat that to Sam, he's more your friend than mine.- 1:12 am. **Steve could hear Peter rambling as if he was there. Peter Parker was a good person, other than coming off strongly to other people. Right now, Peter and Sam were the only people he wanted to talk to. But not right now...

Dreading what he was going to see when he opened Bucky's texts, he decided it was best if he just got it over with. If he didn't, then he would have to later. So he just got it over with, he knew saving them for last was a dumb idea but he was stupid enough to convince himself that he could keep whatever he had with Bucky a secret.

**Bucky: Steve please talk to me. I know I fucked up and **

**Sam just called and gave me an earful.-2:04**

**Bucky: Steve I told your mom you're crashing at Sam's... I didn't tell her why.-3:48 am.**

**Bucky: I miss you.- 3:45 am. **Steve read the last one and thought about texting him back when he saw the latest text from Bucky. Clearly he saw that Steve had read them.

**Bucky: Steve I know you are reading these. Please just talk to me.- 8:04 am. **This set Steve off in a rage. He remembered the night before, Steve begging in the streets for Bucky to love him back and Bucky saying that he couldn't because of...whatever the reason was, Steve didn't care. Whatever there was between them was over. At least, that's what Steve tried to convince himself.

**Steve: When I get home, you'd better be gone, Buck. **Steve angrily texted Bucky before turning off his phone and slamming it down. He could do this, he could convince himself that whatever he felt for Bucky was gone...right? Just then he heard a knock at the door as Sam entered the room.

* * *

"Hey man, I know you don't want to talk; but I'm here when you want to."

"Sam...thank you." He said gratefully.

"What are friends for?"

"Apparently ripping your heart out and driving over the pieces..."

"I said friends not...whatever you two are...were. I'm still confused about your relationship."

"I don't care about him Sam."

"That is the worst lie I've have ever heard in my life, Steve and that includes the time Tony told the entire school you were a 100 year old man who was recently thawed from a block of ice and that's why you're so old fashioned. Anyways, Parker's on his way. Please don't leave me alone with him, he thinks we're friends." Sam said. "What I'm trying to say is get your ass off the bed before my mom comes in because that woman can wake the dead if she wants too."

When Steve was left alone to change back into yesterday's clothes, he decided to turn his phone back on. He saw one last text from Bucky before putting his pants on.

**Bucky: If that's what you want, Steve.-8:06 am. **Steve wanted to smash his phone right there on his friends floor. Or throw it out the window, anything to keep himself from forgiving Bucky. There was nothing he wanted to do as badly as forgive him. The tears started falling again and Steve had to slap himself to stop him from crying. He wasn't supposed to cry...last night he was drunk and weak and in shock from what happened. He looked in the mirror at his reflection and saw that tiny, weak little boy once again who got his ass kicked by Brock Rumlow the first day of third grade. He was still that pathetic little boy, except instead of punches, Rumlow was spreading gossip and all of his gossip was completely true. He didn't even have to show Yelena Belova's video, Steve revealed himself on Rumlow's terms, not through intimidation but because Bucky was his one true weakness.

Was wasn't the right word: Bucky Barnes was still his one true weakness.


End file.
